Breaking up is hard to do. There never seems to be a “good time” and it’s so hard to find the right words. If you know it’s over but can’t figure out how to break it to him, try one of these tricks and he’ll probably be glad you ended it.
1) Tell him you’ve had a religious awakening and are seriously considering becoming a nun.
2) Make a date with him and send someone you think would be a better fit for him in your place. She can explain everything.
3) Do it Berger style and break up with them on a post-it. And don’t bother wasting time feeling bad about. Carrie Bradshaw got through it, they will too.
4) Smile sadly and explain how you need to focus on yourself.
5) Tell him five times it’s not them, it’s you.
6) Finish by saying you wish they were the one but they’re not.
7) Don’t forget to say you hope you can still be friends.
8) Send them a wedding invitation to celebrate your marriage to someone else.
9) Write them a letter. Then send it to them in the mail.
10) Pack up and move without telling them. They’ll figure it out eventually.
11) Change your number.
12) Have your best friend do the dirty deed for you.
13) Throw a tantrum in a public place, advertising the fact that it’s over because he cheated on you when he didn’t.
14) Say it’s not going to work out because your signs are incompatible.
15) Send him a text message with the two words “It’s over.”
16) Pack up all his stuff and have it by the door when he comes home from work.
17) Go on vacation for a week and don’t call him.
18) Meanwhile, post pictures of you with another person all over Facebook so he’s sure to see.
19) Finally, when you get home, change your relationship status to “single.” Just to make it official.
20) And of course, you can always say you’re too busy to have a relationship right now.
21) Tell him you’re sorry, but your cat/dog /fish doesn’t like him so…..that’s it.
22) When you have plans with him, ditch him. No phone call, no text, nothing.
23) Make sure you do this every single time you’re supposed to get together.
24) Tell him you’re not over your ex, even if you are.
25) And of course, you can always say you wish you met him at a different time, that you’re just not ready for the type of relationship he is looking for.
If the above tips aren’t working for you or if you’re just the non-confrontational type and want to bypass taking any responsibility for “the end”, make it easy on yourself and make THEM break up with YOU. This way, you don’t have to hurt their feelings and you can continue living your passive-aggressive life. Here are some ideas to help you.
26) If you’ve only been dating him for a short while talk non-stop about marriage and babies.
27) When you know he’s coming over make sure you’re with somebody else. Naked.
28) Preferably one of his friends.
29) Nag incessantly about the things he does wrong, making him despise you.
30) Force him to watch the Kardashians with you every single Sunday night. Even if they’re repeats.
31) Followed by Ice Loves Coco.
32) Tell him you love him when you’ve been on three dates.
33) Buy him a whole new wardrobe and make him a hair appointment with your personal stylist.
34) Stop showering.
35) While you’re at it, stop shaving too.
36) And using deodorant.
37) Talk about how much you love his mom. Tell him you want to be just like her.
38) Every night, wait until he falls asleep and start screaming like a crazy person, like you’re having a bad dream. After a week of sleepless, interrupted nights, he won’t be able to stand it anymore.
39) Every chance you get, tell him how fat you are.
40) Make sure he knows how important it is to you that he buys you expensive presents and make it clear this is the only thing you care about. If he’s lucky, he WILL break up with you.
41) Cry. All the time.
42) Flirt with the waiter incessantly while the two of you are on a romantic Valentine’s Day date.
43) Talk about you ex. Every single day.
44) Argue with every single thing he says, even when he’s right.
45) When he tells you how much he loves you, look at him and tell him you know. The key is to never, ever say it back.
46) Lie about everything. And make sure he finds out.
47) Beat him at every video game he plays.
48) Find out his greatest phobia and become a huge fan of whatever it is. Mice, snakes, cereal. Whatever.
49) Tell him you can’t stand him mom.
50) Did I mention to tell him how much you love babies? Stress how you can’t wait to have one, preferably in the next year.
If none of these suggestions are getting the job done, I have one last piece of advice: 51) Try telling the truth, sharing how you feel, and giving your partner the respect they deserve. I know, right? Crazy.
5, 7, 9, 25, 39, 41, 45 are my favorites in a superb group that really does not have a single stinker in it.
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